I used to have friends, both IRL and on the internet. It's not easy for me to make friends, so I tend to value the friendships and relationships that I do have. But pretty much all of my relationships tend to go sour and I'm wondering... the common factor has to be me, right? Maybe I'm the one turning people off. Maybe I'm just not interesting or good enough and they get bored with me after a while.
I once had a really close relationship with another fan on LJ (just friendship). We would talk every day, e-mail, comment on each others' journals, etc. and then she decided to leave fandom. It felt like she was pulling away from me too and we just kind of lost touch. Maybe I should have tried harder or been... idk, more interesting. Now she's kind of back and all I feel is indifference.
It's the same IRL. I have a group of friends that I've been close with since elementary school. I introduced two of my best friends to each other and now they hang out together almost every day but they don't call me to come around or even text me anymore. Maybe we just grew apart, but it really sucks that they were both friends with me first and now they can't even be bothered to text me. So I'll sit at home on Friday and Saturday nights whilst they go hang out with each other. I can fully admit that part of it was most likely me. I got busy with school and work and they each stay home all day every day, so maybe it's just a friendship of availability. IDK, but it hurts a lot. Maybe if I was... more, more interesting, more pretty, more anything, they'd want to hang out more when they know I'm available. I want to reach out but I kind of feel like... why bother? They've each judged me and found me wanting. Maybe I'm just a horrible person and deserve to be alone for the rest of my life.
Maybe there's something about me that keeps running people off. Maybe I keep pushing them away to test them, and then I blame them when I've pushed too far and they give up on me. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to push people away. I don't know how to make new friends this late in life and I don't even know if it's a good idea. What if they grow tired of me too or I push them away too, ya know? Why invest in relationships if they all seem to go bad in the end anyway?
Me and My Issues
I once had a really close relationship with another fan on LJ (just friendship). We would talk every day, e-mail, comment on each others' journals, etc. and then she decided to leave fandom. It felt like she was pulling away from me too and we just kind of lost touch. Maybe I should have tried harder or been... idk, more interesting. Now she's kind of back and all I feel is indifference.
It's the same IRL. I have a group of friends that I've been close with since elementary school. I introduced two of my best friends to each other and now they hang out together almost every day but they don't call me to come around or even text me anymore. Maybe we just grew apart, but it really sucks that they were both friends with me first and now they can't even be bothered to text me. So I'll sit at home on Friday and Saturday nights whilst they go hang out with each other. I can fully admit that part of it was most likely me. I got busy with school and work and they each stay home all day every day, so maybe it's just a friendship of availability. IDK, but it hurts a lot. Maybe if I was... more, more interesting, more pretty, more anything, they'd want to hang out more when they know I'm available. I want to reach out but I kind of feel like... why bother? They've each judged me and found me wanting. Maybe I'm just a horrible person and deserve to be alone for the rest of my life.
Maybe there's something about me that keeps running people off. Maybe I keep pushing them away to test them, and then I blame them when I've pushed too far and they give up on me. I don't want to be like this. I don't want to push people away. I don't know how to make new friends this late in life and I don't even know if it's a good idea. What if they grow tired of me too or I push them away too, ya know? Why invest in relationships if they all seem to go bad in the end anyway?
Maybe I'm just meant to be alone forever.